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I don’t mind when people ask me, “What books are you
reading at the present time?” Now, I must confess I’m not asked often, but when
I do, I am able to answer with relative ease. However, on even rarer occasions
I have been asked, “What are the ten best books you have ever read, and how have
they influenced your ministry?” This is a much harder question and takes a
great deal of thought and reflection.
Let me shift our thinking for a moment to
some other questions that are often at the forefront of Christians’ concerns in
the twentieth century. What book would you give a couple who is considering
getting married? What book would you give a couple who is having marital
difficulty? What book would you use as a study to help teenagers to begin to
grasp what the marriage relationship is really all about? What book would you
recommend that takes the foundational Scripture passage on the subject of
marriage (Ephesians 5:21-6:4) and lays out an expository definition and
practical application of it so that the average believer can say, “Ah-ha”?
By now you probably get the drift of this
review. One answer to the top ten question, and to all of the other questions I
have just posed is Bryan Chapell’s new book, Each for the Other: Marriage as
It’s Meant to Be. This is one of the most practical and helpful books on
marriage that I have read in a long time.
Chapell begins with the question: “Who’s in
Charge?” His answer is the theme of the book. It is a simple answer and yet
for fallen men and women it is the most difficult thing to flesh out. The
answer is “nobody” is in charge. Instead, we are each one to “retreat
from self” (p. 14) and demonstrate the “unselfish and sacrificial care of Jesus”
(p. 13). Chapell gives a great illustration of a boy who allowed his younger
brother to stand on his shoulders and lifted him to safety when they became
trapped in a sand pile. The older brother died so that the younger brother would
live. Then Chapell says, “In the Christian home each person has the mission
(emphasis mine) of lifting the other to know more of God’s care” (p. 15).
On that same page, Chapell says, “My goal
is not to provide a fix-it recipe for every family problem. Given the
complexities of our relationships and situations, I have little confidence in
cookie-cutter formulas for happiness. Rather, I intend to focus on the
foundation principles undergirding the relationships of Christian family.”
Preach it, brother! Preach it! This is what makes this book so important.
There are no easy steps to fix a marriage relationship. It takes hard work. It
takes brokenness and repentance. It means that I have to die to myself and
examine my attitudes and motives. It means I have to obey God instead of doing
what I want to do. Yes, it means SACIFICE!
“Sacrifice” is the operative word. The
book’s three divisions are: The Sacrificial Husband: To Scale the Heights; The
Sacrificial Wife: Noble Love; Sacrificial Partners: Shared Love. At the end of
the book there are also insightful discussion questions on each chapter.
My copy is all marked up. I have
underlined, highlighted, drawn asterisks, put brackets, and done anything else I
could think of to make sure I noted the gems of this book. Let me share a few
quotes, without comment, to excite your heart and mind. “When a marriage is
built on the premise that one person may find happiness by using another, the
deepest passions God has placed in hearts in which His Spirit lives are ignored”
(p. 11). “Biblical leadership means that a man places his family’s interest
above his own. He uses his leadership to put each member of the family in the
best position possible to know and experience the care of God” (p. 12). “His
(husband and father) chief priority is that his family would know God’s eternal
grace” (p. 22). “A wife and children should better know the love of their Savior
through the actions and decisions a man makes” (p. 36). “If you cannot share
your heart with persons God has placed in your life, then it is nearly
impossible to know how to have an intimate relationship with your Lord” (p. 55).
“…biblical headship shifts the focus of husbanding from taking charge to taking
responsibility, and from asserting one’s will to submitting one’s prerogatives
to the good of another” (p. 62). “A reforming wife dedicates herself to making a
man in her image, a biblical wife gives herself to God, allowing Him to use her
in developing His image in her husband” (p. 90). “Biblical submission truly is
an ‘arranging under’ of one’s own resources and abilities for the glory of
another” (p. 91).
This is just a taste. I have used the book
in pre-marital counseling, and have seen it shape couples’ perspectives of the
incredible intricacies of the marriage relationship. I have used it with
married couples who are on the verge of trashing their whole relationship, and
have seen it pin-point their selfishness and self-centeredness. I have used it
one-on-one in discipling men to encourage them to be the sacrificial leaders
that the Word of God calls them to be. Pastors, husbands, fathers, wives,
mothers, sons and daughters, elders, deacons, teachers: this is a tool that you
will want to have at your disposal that it may do a work in your life, and be
used in the lives of others.
I think Jerry Bridges says it well on the
back cover, “Thoroughly biblical, insightful, and compassionate…” This is a
book I will want to read over and over again.
- George Mitchell, Christian Education Committee
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